I’ve Lost My Virginity

[This article has been retroactively posted from my Kuro5hin Diary.]

This morning my corporate-bullshit cherry got popped.

Here in the basement of the Corporate Office Building, I sit in an area shared with the accounts management people. These folks handle the creation, deletion, and updating of all domain accounts in the company. They add you to groups, give you permissions to shares, etc. and are complete, utter slaves to Remedy.

This morning this deeply religious guy, who we shall call Steve, came over and asked my opinion regarding another employee in the company, John. John is legally changing his name and the task of changing it on the network has been assigned to Steve. This apparently bothered Steve and he started talking about it with his group, as to why a man would change his last name. Steve came over to me and asked if I thought it was a “diverse situation” or not. What in corporate hell is a diverse situation? What kind of fucking brainwashing must one endure to use such a ridiculous term? This is sensitivity training gone stupid.

What Steve really meant to ask was whether or not I thought John was gay and was taking the surname of his partner. Unfortunately, the irony that he specifically asked me this question is completely lost to Steve, given the fact that I’m gay and he doesn’t know it.

I answered his question by asking another. I wanted to know if the new name was hyphenated, and it wasn’t. As a big homo, I know that lots of couples will go along the hyphenated name route. So, I wasn’t so sure. I came up with a few possibilities: the guy was taking the name of his wife (it must happen somewhere out there) or he was disassociating himself from his family. I then just said that I didn’t know and Steve went back to his area.

This brings up a few questions. Why does Steve give a shit as to why John is changing his name? Why beat around the bush using terms like “diverse situation” and not simply calling a spade, a spade? And lastly, and most importantly, do I look fat in these jeans?

My thoughts? Yeah, I think John is a queer and he’s taking the name of his partner. That’s definitely a major blip on my gaydar, but I think, if Steve really wants to know why John is changing his surname, he should just call John and ask him (even though it isn’t any of Steve’s business). If John is gay and he’s going through the process of changing his name, he’s not likely ashamed to admit his homosexuality.

As to whether or not I’d ever change my last name, fuck no. Changing last names is bullshit, and I’m the last of my genetic line to carry my surname. If I have a biological son somehow, you bet he’s getting my name.

Okay, back to work.